Susan's Scribblings the Blog

A writer from the Philadelphia area shares the week online.
Susan's Scribblings the Blog
  • Who the Heck is Kayewer?
  • Author Archives: kayewer

    • Put Your Phone Into the Wild Blue Yondr

      Posted at 1:49 am by kayewer, on April 23, 2017

      Visitors to the courthouse (known as the Juanita Kidd Stout Center for Criminal Justice) in Philadelphia are rebelling against a policy which requires them to secure their cell phones in an inaccessible bag while court is in session. The idea is to put a stop to unnecessary and potentially case-affecting device use. People will suffer through sitting in a smoke-free zone, but apparently not through a phone-free zone.

      Courtroom guests have been reported to have set the secure pouches, a product of a company called Yondr, on fire. They have hacked them open with sharp objects and thrown them out in a show of contempt. They would rather do that than have the device freed of its pouch so it can be taken off the property for use.

      Those who don’t have to secure their devices, such as attorneys and other employees, are grumbling about having to show ID before being allowed to shun the bag of doom.

      If you tried to convince yourself that our society is not a bunch of overgrown three-year-olds, stop trying.

      Pictures of witnesses and other courtroom personnel have been taken and used as fodder for social media threats and witness intimidation. The sanctity of the courtroom and our justice system are being intimidated by dumbbells playing the “I have my rights” card for the wrong card game.

      Of course I’m speaking from a neanderthal point of view, since I have yet to figure out how to use a cellphone camera. They’re not really that good, anyway. However, if one cannot be without what is essentially a toy disguised as a mobile safety tool for a few hours, we must truly be a society of cyber junkies with no hope of redemption.

      http://www.philly.com/philly/news/crime/Some-find-ways-to-defeat-Phila-courts-new-locking-cellphone-pouch.html

       

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    • You Haven’t Lived Until

      Posted at 1:42 am by kayewer, on April 16, 2017

      This morning my mother and I watched the miracle of birth on a live feed from YouTube. After a month of anxious anticipation, April the giraffe from the Animal Adventure Park in Harpursville, NY finally delivered her fourth calf. An audience of over one million viewers watched with a camera’s eye view sponsored by the home of a trademark cartoon giraffe mascot, Toys”R”Us. Who would have thought that such an event would happen while the greatest generation could see it?

      The expectation was enough to bring major newscasts to cover the event. That made a great break from international scandal and politics. Babies wait for nobody. In April’s case, they bide their time.

      Births in the wild are usually relegated to documentaries on television, but April has become a sponsor for her species, as the park’s website notes a 40% decline of giraffes in the wild. Breeding in controlled environments and gene pool management will help preserve them and other animals. In the (hopefully near) future when we decide to set aside natural habitats for wildlife safe from poaching, populations may rebound.

      While humans have obstetricians to catch babies upon arrival, giraffes give birth standing up, with the front hooves and snout arriving first; a newborn dangles for a spell from the birth canal and then plummets to the ground. Talk about hitting the ground running. The calf attempted to stand within fifteen minutes of birth and was soon wobbling around following mama. My mama and I watched, fascinated. For her it was a first, but I hope to see other miraculous events in my remaining lifetime.

      Really, we should have more of these kinds of stories. People will always have conflict, but nature continues on its way in its own time, and if we’re smart, we pause to enjoy it.

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    • Gone From Suck to Blowhard

      Posted at 2:04 am by kayewer, on April 9, 2017

      Every once in a while a customer complains by sending an email and really gets into the invective. Why anybody would want to be on permanent record showing their liberal use of F-bombs and/or (in)ability to communicate a difficulty effectively, is beyond me.

      This person said that we ****ing suck (that is what was referred to in the classic movie A Christmas Story as the “F-dash-dash-dash word”) because said customer has the same problem every year and we need to fix it for them. Immediately when I looked at what the situation was, I knew what was going on. First of all, the problem was due to being in the wrong place to do what they wanted to do. Second, they were apparently not trying to get out of the wrong place, which is like doing something again and again hoping for a different outcome.

      There is also the third thing; that nobody should get angry enough for more than one year and not ask the obvious question: “Is there something else I need to know so I don’t have this problem again the next time?”

      So it boiled down to explaining how to get out of the wrong place, which I did.

      What I keep wondering is, why would anybody want to perform a sex act and be terrible at doing something else simultaneously. What I mean is, if somebody says so-and-so is the “****ing best race car driver in the world,” doesn’t that mean that they are engaged in sex while being the best driver? If a meal tastes “****ing great,” I never see it doing the nasty while it is in the act of being delicious.

      So liberal use of the F-dash-dash-dash word doesn’t always get the point across any better than simply saying something like, “In my opinion, you are an ineffective so-and-so because I am having a problem I didn’t decide to tell you about until now.”

      We should say what we mean and stay cool doing it.

       

       

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    • Happy April

      Posted at 1:30 am by kayewer, on April 2, 2017

      I am not April fooling today, though I could. Just walking through a store today was enough to convince me that we conduct ourselves like April fools 364 days a year, so this should instead be our day off.

      I think I know what is happening to shopping in live stores: we can’t stand each other anymore. Now that any type of manners or decorum, or just plain common sense, has gone out the window, public shopping has become a parade of the absurd. The upper class don’t want to be talked up to, the middle class are trying to hold together what prevents them from sliding down into poverty and avoid talking altogether, and the lower class doesn’t want to be talked down to. This is why we bury our noses in our phones to avoid contact of any kind that might break the bubble of tenuous self-secure righteous pseudo-normalcy.

      People shop wearing pajama bottoms, begging the question of whether they have underwear on. People shop wearing no undergarments at all, and it is obvious. People shop looking like they just came from a week at a survival camp. The children are smelly, sullen and indifferent. The senior citizens are ignored as if they are the wretched scum of the earth. Those in the middle–the 20- and 30-somethings–cling to shopping carts as if they are the only means to stay upright, the men looking like they’re on a death march and the women like prisoners in a work detail.

      And yes, everybody still hates waiting in checkout lines. Instead of clerks in cattle chutes, maybe we should have checkout in each department, at a self-serve kiosk overseen by a human intervention assistant should things go wrong.  Scan your item, pay for it, bag it (and have some way to seal it against padding the purchase later), and you’re on your way. The only time one would have to see an employee is to complain, which is usually what is done anyway.

      Probably none of the people I saw shopping today even looked up more than a second when they voted last November, either. But that’s a subject I’m not going into today. That would be foolish.

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    • Chest of Balls

      Posted at 1:23 am by kayewer, on March 26, 2017

      I may have invented a term by accident. While watching Shark Tank recently, I noticed the “Queen of QVC,” Lori Greiner, was wearing a dress with a bodice in a rounded contrasting color. Of course it looked great on her, but I realized that the particular piece of the dress on the front created an interesting illusion. Narrow on top and rounded on both sides at the bottom, it looks more like an inverted heart with the point a bit wider, but I commented to those watching with me (before I could stop myself), “She looks like she has chesticles.”

      Sorry, Lori. Nobody wants to be remembered as having an upper half which reminds people of the lower half of the opposite gender. But the term is official, and I did it.

      Naturally the designer didn’t intend the dress to look like that. Probably the design is meant to draw the eye above the waist. Obviously my mind was elsewhere. Way down elsewhere.

      At least I was paying attention to the dress. And Lori looked great in it.

       

       

       

       

      https://www.google.com/search?q=lori+greiner&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiw8OiOs8fQAhUl7oMKHcpKDbEQiR4ImgE&biw=1536&bih=708#tbm=isch&q=lori+greiner+shark+tank&imgrc=APQ_6A7p4AjQ_M%3A

       

       

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    • The Wild Wildlife

      Posted at 1:21 am by kayewer, on March 26, 2017

      If there were two things you would not think of as being replacements for the news (un) worthy world of politics, it would be a pregnant giraffe and a giant chicken, but that is what happened this week. Thank goodness for a bit of strangeness in the midst of chaos.

      April the giraffe at the Animal Adventure Park in Harpursville, New York, is expecting another calf, but either her conception date was off or she is way overdue. The typical giraffe pregnancy lasts 15 months, so she’s going on double the amount of time we human ladies spend with swollen feet and back pain. And look at the legs she stands on every day.

      A live feed has been tracking her for some time now, and viewers are anxiously waiting for the first signs that we will witness the miracle of birth. What is a real miracle is that giraffe give birth standing up, so the baby’s welcome to world is a fall, head and front feet first, of several feet to the ground. In the wild, they must stand and start walking quickly or risk being dinner to the predators lurking about.

      The feed was removed temporarily after somebody complained about the content being too sexual in nature, but common sense prevailed and it was restored. A problem with the video spurred numerous phone calls to the site; nobody wants to miss the big moment.

      And then there is the vieeo of a huge bird emerging from a small coop entrance and puffing out to monstrous proportions to strut about the pen. It was finally identified as a giant Brahma chicken, a huge clucker of a breed created from inter-breeding of similar large fowl. The males weigh in at about 18 pounds. Skeptics claimed the video was of somebody in a costume, but it was confirmed as a real video. The featured chicken is named Merikli and apparently lives on a farm in Kosovo. And undoubtedly the hens love him like some women get hot and steamy over wrestling stars with biceps that could feed a family of ten. But who would really want to serve up this big guy, even though that is the purpose for which he was created?

      Believe it or not, instead of thinking about firing up the deep fryer, people have expressed fear of this bird; enough that one could construct a horror movie about it. (Cue ominous-sounding voice-over) “It came from beyond the coop to destroy the earth. More than feathers will fly tonight. Merikli, the Movie, rated R for scenes of rooster violence.”

      Yes, it has been a bad week for politics, but a good one to be just a little crazy with animals in the news. They’re a whole lot more interesting than the animals in Washington, like the weasels, snakes and hyenas. I’ll take eight straight hours of April strolling her pen, or meeting up with Merikli in a dark alley, to fifteen more seconds of political fodder, and it looks like lately lots of other people agree with me. If the president wants truth in news, these are it.

       

      https://www.youtube.com/channel/UClnQCgFa9lCBL-KXZMOoO9Q/live

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    • There’s the Beef

      Posted at 4:05 am by kayewer, on March 19, 2017

      McDonald’s has announced that it is moving more toward fresh, rather than frozen, beef patties, fulfilling an idea that first took shape in 2014. This after a test run proved a winner with guests at over 300 locations in Texas and the test expanded to Tulsa, Oklahoma.

      That makes sense: the beef can be had practically off the hoof in Texas.

      From the abattoir to your table in a matter of hours.

      I don’t know how much beef is hoofing around Oklahoma.

      This will, of course, cause a clash between those people who want good fresh food and good fast food. The line at the drive-through may slow down a bit if one has to wait for a fresh patty to cook thoroughly, though I can’t imagine how, other than a super hero employee at the cooking station using a laser blaster, a frozen patty would cook more quickly. I don’t time them: I just watch for them to get more gray than pink and stick a thermometer in when necessary.

      The folks at “Mickey D’s” will have to come up with some new ideas, but we’ve always loved those arches and embraced the culture. They’re not going anywhere, just upping their game.

       

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    • The Barking Binky

      Posted at 12:40 am by kayewer, on March 13, 2017

      There is a big difference between a companion animal, a service animal and a live binky. You may call it a pacifier (the proper term), wubbie, lovey or whatever, but some of the things going on with humans and animals in public is getting a bit out of hand. I’m talking abuse of privilege and downright stupidity when it comes to traveling with an animal.

      Of course I have friends for whom a companion animal is comfort in stressful times. This includes our armed service members and victims of trauma and abuse. They are paired with animals who can relieve stress and lessen the psychological effects of flashbacks and other by-products of life after incidents too terrible for any human to experience.I nor anybody else should have a complaint about them.

      Service animals see for the blind, hear for the deaf and shore up epileptics or other persons prone to falls who can otherwise lead productive lives.

      But some imbeciles out there are trying to play the system. For a few bucks, one can buy a fake testimonial letter and service animal vest for a pet and get away with going just about anywhere with them. We’re not talking about just dogs, either; potbellied pigs, ferrets and other small weasels or rodents also qualify, as do snakes, spiders and heaven knows what else might in future make the cut.

      The people doing this are trying to get their pets free flights on airlines, since any type of support animal is accepted in the cabin rather than in with the luggage and traveling pets. Folks also want their animals coming into the department stores and restaurants with them. There is a problem with this; people are allergic to animals, and service animals are trained to not be a hazard in places where cleanliness is a must. Would you want to have to summon a waiter and say, “Waiter, there is a service ferret in my soup?”

      This must stop now. No soldier should be refused a seat on a plane because some lady with a chihuahua wearing a fake “service animal” vest got preferential treatment. Some people have no self-restraint or sense of decency and need a well-placed heel of the hand upside the head. Leave your pet at home or pay up, so others don’t pay a larger price for your ignorance.

      (Below is an article link which may be helpful if you want to read more):

      Fur Flies: Too Many ‘Phony’ Service Pets In The Skies?

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    • Rhymes Not For the Nursery

      Posted at 4:01 am by kayewer, on March 5, 2017

      Recently a customer in a department store managed to get a tee shirt removed from the shelves. It proves that one person can change the world, but sometimes they might not have to.

      A retailer called Primark in Great Britain was carrying a shirt featuring an iconic image from the AMC television series “The Walking Dead.” The shirt showed a barbed wire wrapped baseball bat wielded by the antagonistic Negan, played in the series by Jeffrey Dean Morgan; he calls his weapon Lucille. Before he plays Bamm-Bamm with Lucille on the head of a person he doesn’t like, he invokes the old nursery rhyme, “eeny, meeny, miny mo.” It sends shivers down viewers’ (and the good characters’) spines.  A customer at the Primark store found it racist because his recollection of the rhyme has the next line referring to catching black persons by the toe, using the dreaded “n” word.

      I never heard that one.

      Various friends have said they always heard the second line as, “Catch a tiger by the toe,” or piggy.  Only one person said they had heard the “n” word used for that rhyme growing up.  I’m confused.

      Logically, trying to nab somebody on the run by the toe would be a startingly nimble feat (no pun intended), and the rhyme goes on to advise that “If he hollers, let him go,” so no matter what you’d be catching–a tiger, a piggy, or a quick-moving person of any type–it’s strictly catch and release.

      Let’s face it: in a crowd of 100, at least one will find something offensive. If the other 99 are not even raising an eyebrow, maybe the problem is with the one. Anyway, the store pulled the shirts, so the next “Walking Dead” shirt will probably undergo a rigorous test of wording and cultural impact before hitting the shelves.

      I have never watched the show, and in my life experiences I have seen and come to know discrimination of all kinds (I have been a victim myself), but at least I won’t be one of the customers who has to worry about a message on my tee shirt. I don’t wear them.

      But maybe if we all holler, maybe the one with the issue will just let it go.

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    • Pops Therapy

      Posted at 5:56 am by kayewer, on February 26, 2017

      Some people like to go to a spa to relax and recharge. For some reason I can’t imagine such a thing for me. Instead I pick favorite things I like to do and they have the same effect as any deep tissue massage. For example, I just came from a performance by the Philly Pops, and though it was teeming with rain outside when the concert was over, I feel all warm and fuzzy and can ignore the squeaking of my wet shoes and my sudden attack of Phyllis Diller hair. I felt like I had gone to church and emerged a changed person. Who needs hot rocks on the back or a seaweed wrap when therapy like this is available?

      The Kimmel Center reminded me again of why it is such a glorious spa-I mean  music venue–with amazing acoustics and the feeling of a non-denominational house of music worship crossed with a focus on fun performance style and the comforts of soft seats and simple lighting. Compared to my last experience at the good old Academy of Music (I got a seat against a post), I settled right in at the Kimmel and felt at home. Why strip down to a towel and stick my prone face in a donut on a massage table, anyway?

      Guest conductor David Charles Abell was fun to watch as he held a friendly conversation with his baton and guided the Pops through some of the best of what they called modern Broadway (all newer productions from the past 37 years). This meant shows like Miss Saigon, Hairspray, Les Miserables and my go-to favorite The Phantom of the Opera. The singers included petite powerhouse Alli Mauzey and TV and film star Rachel York flanking returning guest singer and Broadway-via-Philadelphia local favorite Hugh Panaro. The two men, Abell and Panaro, seem to be brothers by different parents as they both carry grins that span a mile and a bit of pluck in their performance style. They had fun together, and the audience was in on it, not just sitting and being performed for.

      Intense musical numbers like Les Miz’ entreaty “Bring Him Home”  were like an emotional release and sometimes tear-inducing. There were a few moist eyes in the house. You may be thinking that only new age music would do if I’m referring to a spa treatment, but listening to somebody like Hugh Panaro who knows how to bring a dramatic song to life can be a much better balm than any zen-labeled canned tune treatment. The quiet in the auditorium was palpable during these numbers until the audience erupted the moment the last note was sung. There was fun, too, as Mauzey flirted her way through “Popular” from Wicked and York did a collection of impressions while singing “I Will Always Love You” from the newest Broadway treatment of a movie from The Bodyguard. She was spot-on, especially letting Eartha Kitt give the song a try.

      I left the Kimmel feeling so much better, having relaxed and enjoyed a good afternoon of music, and not a drop of emollient was spilled. So spa gift cards are not on my gift list. Give me a good show instead. And if the weather is a bit damp, access to a blow dryer.

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