When I’m at work, the company requires all employees to complete courses to enlighten us about business issues, a program collectively called corporate compliance. We are reminded how important it is to maintain a secure office environment, how not to cause emotional disturbances in a diverse workplace and how our elected officials have designed programs with rules to live by when we’re on the clock. We usually take three courses a year; new employees have a few extra courses to help assimilate them into the corporate environment; it doesn’t matter if it is their first or fifth job, it’s a company rule to make sure everybody is exposed to the courses and knows what is expected in the world of cubicles and corner offices.
I was at the movies last night at the premiere of The Hobbit: the Desolation of Smaug, which I saw in IMAX 3D. I don’t go to a lot of IMAX features, because not all the movies I see get to play there. Those that do are big. The theatre screen is the width and height of my family home, and the sound quality has the effect of a giant cotton swab. I turned to my theatre companion during the commercials, which were softer due to their not having been filmed for IMAX sound quality, and told her I hoped the sound would get better in time for the feature, and in the next second the first IMAX footage hit the screen, and the speakers, with a sonic boom that punched the sweat from my pores (and cleaned my ears). The folks at IMAX must have planned it that way.
One can almost forget where they are (a big, boxy and expensively maintained piece of real estate) and believe they are in, say, a huge grand hall filled with pilfered gold and guarded by a fearsome dragon, when watching a big Hollywood production on an IMAX screen. It was totally enjoyable, though I felt afterward as if I had been in a war, feeling emotionally drained from dodging dragons, giant bees and other impressive things coming out from the screen into my face.
The experience of a movie in 3D on such a grand scale is immersive and assimilating, much like corporate compliance places all employees on the same page when it comes to the world inside an office. As I watched the previews for upcoming features, I noticed a trend that seems to scream corporate compliance requirement. If Hollywood had a corporate compliance course listing, they might require some interesting things of their employees. Herein is my list of compliance courses (which Hollywood seems to follow well):
Equal Employment in Battle Epics: The upcoming movie 300: Rise of an Empire appears to be compliant with this course, in which women dress minimally but have the testicular fortitude of 300 men. Warrior women are claiming their own spot in the movie versions of history, and any film that has battles in them will need to include at least one hard-as-nails female.
Taking Risks: Going again to the preview for 300, it seems a lot of movie big men are required to leap from a cliff or building into mid-air without thinking about where they might land. The business world likes risk-taking to a degree, but corporate risks don’t normally include defying death.
Landing on Your Feet: Some movie superheroes seem to have picked up a trait by which they fall from the sky (see the above course) and land in a kneeling position, causing a seismic wave with the impact (as happens in the Ironman or Thor movies) Doing so with a weapon like a hammer in your hand is a bonus.
Diversity Training: Quite a few movies focus on young people who have special gifts, what used to be referred to as quirks. They may get bullied, and teachers and bosses may not like folks who don’t fit into the mold, but they make for good cinema, and a diverse workplace should have people from all walks of life, before or after world destruction and takeover. Thus we have compliant films like Vampire Academy and Divergent.
Environmental Impacts: Any movie trailer that opens with a vista of fields or destroyed cities counts in this course. Interstellar counts as one; the new Godzilla counts as another. It’s always important to let people know what their world looks like now, and what it might look like if we’re not careful.
So there I was in the IMAX theatre having my ears cleaned by sound waves, trying to figure out why images distort when the 3D glasses tilt on my nose, and cursing myself that I couldn’t leave my job at the door. Don’t get me wrong; the movie was spectacular, and I was there at a unique moment to interpret everything before it like this. You don’t get that from a newspaper columnist; only from an office worker who is corporate compliant.
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