Susan's Scribblings the Blog

A writer from the Philadelphia area shares the week online.
Susan's Scribblings the Blog
  • Who the Heck is Kayewer?
  • Author Archives: kayewer

    • GoAnimate or Go Home

      Posted at 1:45 am by kayewer, on October 11, 2015

      Over the past year I’ve been creating videos with a site called GoAnimate. It’s been fun to publish humorous videos and flex my creative muscle on a project other than flat-out writing. It looks like the fun is about to run out. The site has become a platform for business videos instead.

      So the bohemian animators have been rejected.

      So what is a customer to do? Complain. I’m going to fire off an email to GoAnimate and tell them they are losing a whole client base by eliminating the fun factor (which, as a hobby, I willingly pay for). I’m also going to upload my videos for viewing until my account expires, after which I’ll cancel and my work will likely disappear into the no-zone of dead Internet material.

      It was fun while it lasted.

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    • Junior Chivalry

      Posted at 1:46 am by kayewer, on October 4, 2015

      I haven’t been in the best of moods lately, but my spirits were lifted earlier today by a young man well on his way to being a future person of great character.

      I was in the market, running at what Mel Brooks would call ludicrous speed*, trying to finish my grocery shopping in time to pick up my mother from an appointment. Approaching the pickle barrel for a much-needed addition to our upcoming sandwiches for lunch, a young fellow of about eight or nine was standing by while his mother awaited her deli number to be called. “Pickle?” he asked. I looked over, smiled and replied, “Pickle,” in the affirmative. He proceeded to hand me the tongs and raise the lid so I could select my purchase.

      I was nearly moved to tears by this simple act. “I’ll tell you something, young man,” I said to him; “If more adult men treated me as kindly as you did just now, I would be a happy person all of the time. Thank you very much.”

      I had to leave then, or I might have lost it.

      His mother should be proud.

      *(That was from Space Balls.)

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    • Queue Mates

      Posted at 12:50 am by kayewer, on September 28, 2015

      I managed to escape the area yesterday, not that the papal visit had the effect that New Jersey anticipated; the trains that geared up for massive crowds were empty, and the volume of pilgrims over the Ben Franklin Bridge were mostly moderate and well-behaved. My destiny was to board a bus from Philadelphia going to New York City, and I met some people while waiting in line.

      Four ladies were going on a cruise to Puerto Rico, each with her own security compliant piece of uniquely identifiable luggage, well-wrapped snacks and itineraries dutifully printed off on the home inkjet and folded into an orderly stack. This was not their first cruise, so they were experienced packers and snackers. I, too, travel light, with some crackers to take the edge off in case my schedule doesn’t allow for a lunch stop.

      Two ladies were going to a Broadway show, and they were just as excited to know I was going to Lincoln Center as I was to know there was an interesting show to see.

      Other people queued up for various connections elsewhere, and the line quickly grew from seven to 37. Still, the volume of people already on the bus from Philadelphia was light for a change, and we all were seated comfortably. Once I got the last seat available, in the rear, next to the restroom door. Really, with all the amenities Greyhound has put on their modern motor coaches, I wish they would soundproof the loo a bit better. I chose not to blog about what I heard from the restroom on that trip. That’s TMI.

      For the return trip, the walk to the bus station for the Broadway ladies was likely a couple of blocks (plus some tactical dodging of the costumed characters and pasties-wearing models in Times Square), but for me to get to the bus terminal on time from Lincoln Center I had to run like the dickens or hail a taxi. Fortunately I got a cab that was just discharging two passengers; a typical suit and dress couple, likely headed to the apartments nearby for freshening up before heading to an evening event.

      When lining up for a bus, it’s important to first make sure you’re in the right line (others in the queue will tell you), and be there ahead of departure, because the line can form to ridiculous lengths and people may almost certainly be bumped to a later bus for arriving too late. That means a 90-minute wait in a city anxious for your tired feet to wear out in front of a restaurant chair, or if you have stamina, to walk you into any store in sight.

      Seeing the two ladies from the Broadway show got us talking about the difference in experiences; they felt inclined to try visiting the opera, and I may look into tickets for the show they attended. That’s how a friendly queue can be good for the soul.

      I had a truly purpose-driven trip this time, with no stops and, fortunately, no unpleasant waits in queue, having made some casual acquaintances. The bus line did warn to arrive one hour before departure, but that prolonged bout of standing in line did introduce me to six fine people. How often does that happen in life these days?

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    • These Looks Ain’t Deceiving

      Posted at 2:02 am by kayewer, on September 20, 2015

      I’m one of those people whose looks don’t change very much. When I was asked to submit a grade school photo for a contest at work, I politely declined and told them mine would be the photo everybody would know right away. Except for the muscle mass lost in the face and relocated to the midsection, I look like I did before (and after) my age had a one in front of it.

      Makes it a bit tough because, when people say, “You look good,” I’m not always sure if it’s a good thing. Maybe folks thought I looked like death warmed over back then and now, or worse now. One thing about being human is our everlasting sense of paranoia about how we appear to others. We do ourselves a disservice this way, but we’re determined not to break old habits.

      Today I had been working up a sweat and had run several fast errands before going to the beauty salon to pick up my mother. I ran into a classmate there, who apparently recognized me right away. Her new hairstyle made her look fabulous, which immediately reminded me that I had managed to go from well-assembled to a flat-out mess running errands in the heat all morning, and oh gosh what will she tell people when she gets home?

      Well, at least she can honestly say I haven’t changed a bit.

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    • Welcome Mat?

      Posted at 3:14 am by kayewer, on September 13, 2015

      Two weeks from now our country will be welcoming the most popular man in Vatican City. When Pope Francis arrives at his various stops in New York, Washington DC and Philadelphia, there will be overwhelming crowds of people to greet him. There will also be chaos and logistical insanity. Never in our history has security and planning been so intense; our own President doesn’t get this type of treatment, nor did Elvis or the Beatles.

      Whole neighborhoods in Philadelphia will be shut down and cleared of vehicles while travel will be rerouted around the center of the city as if a quarantine were in place. Special passes for access to the areas closest to the pope’s outdoor events have been scalped and gone from being free to costing thousands of dollars online. Gift shops are putting out pontifical souvenirs of all sorts (I was just in Philly this afternoon and saw folks filing into a theatre toting clear bags with pope dolls in them).

      Where will I be? Not walking across the Ben Franklin Bridge, which will be closed to vehicular traffic. Not in the city, either. I’d rather watch on television or see the events later on the news. Philadelphia will be a combination of the Fourth of July, Woodstock and the second coming all at once when he visits on September 26-27. They don’t even expect the city to return to anything approaching normal until Monday afternoon. I’m glad I don’t work in the city and don’t have anything to do there that weekend. I’ll leave that to braver people than I.

      If you like crowds and mayhem, let me know how it went.

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    • Force Disconnect

      Posted at 1:54 am by kayewer, on September 6, 2015

      The stores just released merchandise for Star Wars: The Force Awakens yesterday, causing big events at places like 24-hour WalMarts, where followers of the Jedi or Imperial enemies camped out waiting for the opportunity to nab the first gewgaws of the season. I stayed home.

      There was such a gap between the last movie and this new installment to come out in December, that starwars.com has forgotten I exist (as I don’t get emails from them anymore). Entirely new splinter storylines have gone on behind my back or on Cartoon Network. When I saw a droid from the new movie, which was motion activated by my presence in the Target store Thursday night, I was ashamed to admit I didn’t know its name. That’s bad decorum for a fan, especially if it was a protocol droid.

      I also found out, in passing, that two co-workers know absolutely nothing about Star Wars. I was too sympathetic to ask them what planetary system they were hiding behind, as not all cultural icons are known to everybody. Back in 1977, though, this was a big one. Those of us who went to the movies likely remember that first thrill of watching an Imperial cruiser appear, bigger than life, on the movie screen to chase down Princess Leia’s comparatively tiny ship. In the span of about five minutes, we met two iconic droids, saw a blaster battle with amazingly real effects, and watched in awe of a giant figure in a black mask and breathing that could shut up a room at twenty paces (and yes, we knew right away that was the bad guy). For our generation, we got to see what our parents found enjoyable from Buck Rogers and other movie serials, thanks to the modern vision of George Lucas.

      So we’re 38 years past all that, and the hype is only at “meh” level. What’s wrong with this picture? Maybe it’s because I didn’t stand or camp out in line with the other fans late Thursday to grab new merchandise. Maybe I don’t count because I didn’t earn any knowledge of this new stuff.

      I looked to see if there is a “Star Wars for Dummies” book out there. No such luck. Maybe it will all fall into place by the time December comes. In the meantime I’m still enjoying the trailer with Han Solo and Chewbacca and that droid whose name I still don’t know.

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    • How Inhuman (How to Destroy a Human Being) Part Two

      Posted at 1:58 am by kayewer, on August 30, 2015

      Last time we talked about how inhuman we are, so here is a continuation of that thought. It won’t be liked by everybody, but ideas that stir thought rarely are.

      So you’re having a baby (or two) and it’s time to think about names. If you’re the father and have been reluctant to marry the mother of the bearer of your genetic future on this planet, be sure to complain about it all the time. Both of you should look to the family trees or your favorite sitcom or celebrity, and come up with a name which will be hard to spell or pronounce, or which can be turned against your child by bullies. If spelling has never been your strong point, don’t bother looking it up: just wing it on the birth certificate.

      When your child is growing, make sure they see everything that happens on this planet, from G to NC-17. Don’t bother hiding anything from your child, including domestic disputes and unhealthy habits. Impose your strange habits on your child, especially if it will guarantee that they cannot integrate with anybody outside your home.

      Throw discipline out the window and let your child be a barbarian in public. If you’re miserable, project that misery onto your child so they never smile, either. If you were raised in an abusive household, be sure to pass that down to the next generation so nobody else gets away with not being wretched.

      As your child learns to talk, encourage obnoxious behavior or teach them to cower before your authority, or make sure they know how to beat the living daylights out of anybody who disses them; depending on how you know you are, you’ll recognize which of the above is right for how you raise your child.

      Raise a son to be a macho womanizer. Raise a girl to be a privileged princess or a submissive wimp. Remember that only the freaks on the other sides of the normal curve will make a history for themselves worth remembering. If that history puts them in prison or in some other danger, that’s not your problem.

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    • How Inhuman Part One

      Posted at 1:50 am by kayewer, on August 23, 2015

      The biggest plague of humanity isn’t a virus or contagion, nor is it a natural event like global warming or drought; it’s ourselves. We are wayward monsters on a self-destruction binge which may obliterate the other guys first but ultimately will kill us all. It starts with the destruction of the human spirit.

      So how do you start destroying a human being? Let’s start from scratch.

      Step One: whether you have planned on giving birth to a human being or not, make sure you have messed yourself up prior to pregnancy so that your unborn child will have roadblocks before construction even gets under way. Smoke like a chimney, drink like you could down enough of the stuff to fill a community water tank, avoid anything that seems healthy and don’t go to the doctor until you’ve paid off last year’s bills.

      Step Two: immediately assume that your child will be just like you. Get the word on the gender right away and either buy pink for a girl or blue for a boy, or fit in your lifestyle with some goth or sports team onesies or a babies’ room themed like your favorite television show. Come up with a name you think is unique but others won’t be able to pronounce or spell properly, or name them after some obscure historic figure.

      Step Three: Make sure that when you are comparing pregnancy notes with other parents that your ideas are the ones which inspire the most awe and respect. Make sure there is no deviation from the established norm for your core group.

      Now of course there are a bunch of folks out there who are not starting families, so there are some different steps for you:

      Step One: Be sure to make snide and cruel comments to pregnant women. You can either choose to try to get them to drink or smoke, or remind them that they’re not part of the core group anymore because they went and got themselves pregnant. Remind them of how less prominent or overly prominent their bellies are compared to you or those you’ve known who are or were pregnant. Scare them with horror stories about pregnancies gone wrong.

      Step Two: Pick apart all the choices the expectant family makes regarding baby names, clothes and room decor. Be sure to make snide remarks about prices and quality and how much better people you know did when they did their baby shopping.

      Step Three: Get out of town or do everything you can to make yourself unavailable when the due date is imminent. Turn your back on low income families and turn up your nose at those richer than you. Only the way you got through your growing family matters, and nobody else is worthy of your invaluable help.

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    • Stories of Yore

      Posted at 1:45 am by kayewer, on August 16, 2015

      My mother was telling me a nostalgic story this morning about her childhood, when the neighborhood revolved around Stypa’s store. Back in her time, the corner store was the hub steering the entire neighborhood across generations and ethnic lines, and there was an abundance of all of those.

      The children took pleasure in the penny candy, in the days when a penny got you a handful of selections and you wouldn’t think of having a bagful all to yourself. The men visited the store for tobacco and the basement pool table. The women picked up their sundries.

      It was also the only place with a phone. Everybody gave out the phone number of the pay phone in Stypa’s store, and when a call came in for a resident, either the owner’s daughter or a neighborhood child would run to the recipient’s home to announce it (and the runner–if it wasn’t the daughter–would receive a nickel).

      Neighborhoods were more unified in those days, in spite of a multitude of languages, probably because socioeconomic status was equal in those neighborhoods; everybody cherished the value in a penny when you could get five pieces of candy for one of them.

      Our elders can still smile at the memories of penny candy, soft pretzel wagons and cones of yum yum. They remember keeping a bucket handy to retrieve the manure left on the street by the passing wagon horses (great for the rose bushes), and watching for the occasional bonus ice chips which fell off the ice wagon during deliveries (back when a block of ice kept your freezer cold), and which could cool off a summer day in the absence of money for yum yum.

      The generation with those memories are nearing the end of their time on this earth, and we don’t always listen to their stories with much interest. That’s a shame. If we ever see an ice wagon or food of any kind for a penny, it will probably be under much different circumstances.

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    • Not to State the Obvious

      Posted at 1:42 am by kayewer, on August 9, 2015

      Lately it seems as if we human beings are acting like total screw-ups. Well I think we’re not seeming to be screw-ups: we just are. We’re designed to overthink and under-plan. We try and fail, and try the same thing again and again hoping to get a different (non-failing) result. We learn from some mistakes and don’t learn a thing from others. To quote a certain insurance company’s tagline, it’s what we do.

      After we mess up, we go public and show off how screwy we are. The videos on YouTube are massive in volume and popularity, and somewhat strange. Who knew everybody could be so readily armed with cameras to catch that fall or shot to the shorts so nicely. We even have programs like “America’s Funniest Home Videos” which are just collections of our human errors competing for cash prizes. That’s us: rewarding the strangest things.

      For the non-visual human error aficionado, there are the politicians running for public office to assault your ears. Just ask a politician a question and keep your finger on the microphone mute button while waiting for the gem of stupidity serving as their answer. In a world where a second of silence loses your audience, nobody seems to think before speaking. A moment of care can prevent a lifetime of regret, but of course it doesn’t make for good campaign entertainment.

      Persons behaving badly, be they public officials or celebrities of any other kind, hide behind embarrassment or the cover language of their legal representatives. Wouldn’t it be a great teaching moment if one of them actually came out and came clean about exactly what they did and why they think they did it? One celebrity in particular comes to mind who could do the public a great humanitarian service by fessing up, even if this person’s public image is beyond repair. It seems some of our brightest and most admired people, when their reputation is found to be less than stellar, go to ground and hide, when instead they could just come out and talk about it. People like Paula Deen, of course, who admitted to human error, lost their reputations anyway, but at least we heard the truth.

      When it comes down to the basics, we’re all human. In terms of good and bad, we all take that roller coaster ride of sanctity and sin, and none of us can be considered incorruptible. We just can’t give up trying, and sometimes we just have to laugh at those little shots to the shorts on television.

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