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Author Archives: kayewer

• To Deck or Not to Deck

  Posted at 4:44 pm by kayewer, on December 3, 2022

  

  The holidays seem to come with a requirement that we decorate our homes. On patriotic holidays we limit ourselves to a flag, but some occasions call for huge displays of dedication and the willingness to empty one’s savings account.

  The two biggest decorating holidays appear to be Halloween and Christmas, with Easter and Valentine’s Day running neck and neck for third place. The home improvement and hardware stores, along with big retailers, set up humongous inflatables relevant to the time of year from which you can choose, such as giant stacks of hearts, or towering rabbits in pastel colors, or even Grim Reapers which could dwarf a basketball player..

  Christmas offers a staggering variety of things with which to colorfully show off your patronage of commercialism. Even though assembling a set of toy trains seems to have gone out of style, department stores offer miniature villages with themes from popular movies and television shows which you can arrange on a flat surface or under your tree.

  My issue is always with the populations of these mini villages: they’re disproportionately bigger than the doorways to the buildings. This is probably due to the consumer protections in place to lessen the chance of having the small figure of a package laden shopping lady become a snack for an undiscerning toddler, but then I would make the buildings bigger, not the people. Anybody who has ever knocked their noggin on a door jamb will agree with me on this.

  I have done it, and I’m not a seven-foot basketball player.

  One of the annual retail collections involve a group of carolers with their mouths in perfect “O” formation; even the dogs and cats. I have to avoid them when I shop, because they make me yawn. So much for perking up my holiday spirit.

  If you don’t do village scenery, you can decorate with garland and candles and themed table covers. Everything can be red and green, or blue and white, or black, red and green, or you can even go with a Diwali rainbow of everything.

  Your tree, on the other hand, can be themed for just about anything you can imagine, from a favorite movie to a favorite animal, singer, or even collectible products. The number of ornaments available for today’s trees is mind-boggling, and this is for after you string lights in computer-timed patterns not just on the tree, but all over your siding, garage and lawn. Families vie on a popular network program for a trophy and bragging rights if they have the most electrified house and biggest power company bill. I’ve yet to see if solar panels help lessen this seasonal expense.

  So what am I doing this year? I haven’t decided. I do have one of the classic Charlie Brown trees reminiscent of the annual special, with clumps of fir needles and a single red ornament. It looks nice on my table and is simple to assemble.

  Plus I don’t wind up yawning when I’m finished.

  Whatever you choose to put up for the holidays, just remember to keep the boxes, keep the valuable things out of the reach of the undiscerning toddlers (and pets), and keep the decorations up until at least January 6.

  Or when the number of pine needles on the floor outnumber those on your tree.

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• Turkey Featherweight

  Posted at 11:54 am by kayewer, on November 24, 2022

  

  My heart is heavy today, and I haven’t even loaded up on Thanksgiving turkey yet (had a late breakfast). However, it’s depressing to write about an annual tradition which has officially ended this year and may never return.

  Every year since at least 2014, I have performed an annual weighing of the Black Friday sales circulars which come with the newspaper delivery. This used to be a source of fascination and joy, to go to the front walk and retrieve the two papers (one more national, one more local), and bring them inside for the official estimate. My mother, a Depression-era woman, still had my old baby scale, which came in handy to weigh large roasts for the oven, and it also served well for determining how much newspaper we got for the holiday season.

  I was tempted to do some arm curls because the heft of them both was so massive, and were the perfect size rolled up. Instead of a vertical roll, the carriers were forced to do a horizontal one, the number of ads for every store imaginable was so tremendous.

  In the good old days, the total weight of the supplements would rival a good-sized bowling ball. In 2014, the total weight of the papers was a whopping ten pounds. I posted this information to social media, to the delight of readers.

  In 2016, the papers slimmed down, weighing in at only 7.2 pounds.

  In 2019 it was a measly 3.9 pounds.

  The years of isolation and retail strife finally took their toll, and many of the reliable retailers were no longer even in business, such as K-Mart and Sears. Malls gave up on being open on Thanksgiving and the tradition of Black Friday returned to its rightfully scheduled position.

  But then again, many of the traditions we grew up with also left us, such as massive toy displays at department stores such as were seen in the classic film A Christmas Story. The days of professional window dressers who toiled at bringing scenes of holiday happiness to life in a frozen retail dioramas ended when many of the big stores shut down or expanded their interior sales floor space into those originally occupied by windows for the outside world. We no longer even have a toy store to light up a child’s face with promises of Santa saturation. Kiddie City is long gone, and Toys”R”Us is now a department at Macy’s.

  This year, the big sales ad was from the happy holdout of retail department stores, Boscov’s. The other ads were for electronics stores and bargain outlets. And the ads came on Wednesday.

  Unfortunately, it wasn’t worth breaking out the scale this year. It’s over but for this afternoon’s trip to tryptophan land.

  Perhaps this downfall should be attributed to the decline of the Boomer generation, for we were the ones who brought many of these yearly events into the world. Since we are leaving it, the things we brought to it will also go out of style. But what will those coming after us do for fun?

  You can’t weigh the Internet, or gift cards.

  It will be interesting to see what will come next Thanksgiving.

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• Gee, Thanks!

  Posted at 2:07 pm by kayewer, on November 20, 2022

  

  We are now officially four days away from the start of the chaotic end of the year. Everything from the day after Thanksgiving/Black Friday and the second day of January is all about consumerism, commuting and mental confusion.

  Black Friday is known as the day when everybody shops, so retail goes “into the black” on the profit charts. Many major retail stores gave up on the idea of opening on Thanksgiving Day and are back to throwing open the doors Friday morning with–if supply issues don’t get in the way–bargains galore for people who think they will get all their holiday shopping done in one day, in advance, and have time to relax. It never works out that way.

  For one thing, who knows people’s sizes? And what do you get the man who has everything? Or the teenager who has money to buy everything for themselves? There is always gift cards.

  The deliveries, repackaging and mailing of presents, in the meantime, goes on for weeks, and it even bleeds over into the days after the holidays when the late packages manage to find their way home. The postal service is probably the happiest to be in the black of anybody. It is the season for cards and colorful envelopes and stamps themed for religious or non-denominational joy.

  Since this is the first Thanksgiving in two years to be considered fully back to normal, millions of people plan to travel to visit relatives this year. This usually means flying or driving, though some people take trains. I have never had to travel for the holiday, so I don’t know if it goes well. I suppose it’s easier to bring a homemade pie on a train than a plane. In fact, it’s probably illegal on a plane, simply because the airlines probably starve the flight crew. The best Thanksgivings we had involved a ten-minute drive with an ice cream cake and a calendar for our host; it was an annual tradition that ended two years ago when the host went to live in a facility closer to family.

  Whether you celebrate one, two or more, or none of the upcoming December holidays, you can’t help but become involved in the amazing display of madness going on as people attempt to take on too much before the end of the year. The best part of the start of the holiday season is knowing it, too, will end on schedule on January 2.

  For that, we can all be thankful.

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• Step on a Bucket

  Posted at 4:29 pm by kayewer, on November 12, 2022

  

  Today I’m going to pretend that I’m a patron at the movie theater who is not like me at all:

  “Wow, I’m at the movies, and my boyfriend is paying for everything; the ticket, the big bucket of popcorn, and the extra large soda which will be my dinner for tonight. If my sidepiece passed an infection on to me when we grabbed some whoopie the other night, I can just pay it forward when my main squeeze and I get it on later.

  “I’ll just wipe my buttery hands all over the armrests; heck, they have people to clean these, right? Oops, spilled the rest of my soda. Oh well, the ice cubes will melt. I’m sure not picking up the lid and the straw. They touched the floor!

  “Movie is over already? I’ll just drop the popcorn bucket on the floor, too. It doesn’t look cool to walk out of the movie theater with an empty container. Besides, I may get checked out by somebody who will become my third piece.

  “Oh, those 3D glasses? I can just drop them and somebody else will pick them up.”

  I know this actually happened, because the people sitting next to me in the theater left their food items strewn about, and that includes leaving a soda cup in the cup holder, which annoys me. In second place is other food containers crammed in to fit the cup holder. I nearly stepped on the popcorn bucket. I saw at least three pairs of 3D glasses on the floors in the middle of or against walls, when several bins specifically for them were available on the way out of the auditorium.

  It is this type of irresponsibility that causes clutter and possible hazards such as tripping or sliding. Just because a movie theater is dark, doesn’t mean people should behave with impunity and allow others to suffer the side effects of ignorance or entitlement.

  The short films that tell you to look for the exits and turn off your devices have neglected the part about taking trash with you, but that does not mean you may dump your disposables anyplace.

  My idea of the perfect petty revenge would be to obtain DNA samples from those discarded items, trace them to their owners, transport them to said owners’ properties and place them prominently at their front doors with huge signs reading “You forgot these at the AMC Downtown Pedunk.”

  My idea of misdemeanor punishment is having somebody stand on a busy public street holding empty food containers, since this seems to be the most abhorrent thing ever to most folks. I don’t get it, but maybe they might.

  It’s better than getting a disease from your sidepiece.

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• After Hours “A”

  Posted at 4:37 pm by kayewer, on November 5, 2022

  

  The idea behind curfews and noise ordinances is that life is better when some activities are not done in some places at certain times of the day or evening. Once bedtime approaches, people are expected to not make excessive noise, for example.

  Somebody in my neighborhood didn’t get the memo. Early this morning, at an unknown hour because I black out the LED on my alarm clock, somebody blasted radio music from their car. Not once, but twice.

  It’s understandable that some people work the night shift and may need some stimulus to remain awake while doing their jobs or returning home, but those should be private when the block is dark and people are trying to sleep. It’s hard enough to sleep with politics, international tensions and the economy (not to mention alcohol or late running sports events), so why would somebody broadcast their music preferences–good or bad–at some ungodly hour and awaken the whole neighborhood?

  Perhaps they are hard of hearing. Perhaps they are not empathetic to others’ comfort zone being violated. Maybe they don’t like having to work at night and prefer bringing the world down with them or getting fired to quitting.

  The popular social media question is if a person would be considered an alimentary canal for doing a particular thing, also known as “AITA.” In this case, yes they are.

  When the world is trying to sleep, it is proper to keep noise to a minimum and manners in check. This is why bars encourage designated drivers to reign in their overzealous drinking friends, and why music has a cut-off time.

  I’m not sure if I want to find out who the person is, carousing about at such a time and waking us all up.

  If you like to do late night stakeouts, let me know.

  Better yet, don’t; I won’t be able to sleep.

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• Words to Confuse

  Posted at 3:56 pm by kayewer, on October 30, 2022

  

  When Thor said in Avengers: Infinity War that “all names are made up,” he was honing a conversation down to something basic. We assign letters out of our language to things in word form, and hopefully they aptly apply to them. Some words draw a picture of beauty, others not so much. Sometimes names can be confusing, because they don’t conjure an image or concept. They are just letters on a sign.

  Two businesses I passed the other day reminded me that names are not always the draw, and may even look funny on a sign. The first was a seafood restaurant satellite location called Oceancrat. And did I mention that the “A” is represented by a flame? When I saw the sign, I wasn’t sure if the flame represented an “O” or an “A,” and I took the time to look it up. That’s what writers do: learn about new words and meanings. I had hoped to learn some nautical term about crab fishing or something. there wasn’t such a definition there. “Crat” normally refers to a governing head (bureaucrat), so perhaps the name means “Ruler of the Ocean.” I think Aquaman would be a bit offended at the idea of a place serving sea creatures to diners thinks it rules the ocean. I suppose I should visit and see how the ruling class serves seafood dinners.

  The second business is a new salon named Vek. I really struggled with this name, because it gives the mouth a workout and doesn’t give any first impression of what they are. Again, I looked them up, and the salon takes care of hair and makeup with a variety of treatment options, performed by two experienced people.

  Admittedly, as I read and saw in the short definition the term Brazilian, I immediately thought they also removed hair from the bikini zone, but it’s a type of hair treatment for the head not involving removal of any kind. I sighed with relief.

  Of course I’m not one to judge, since I’m from the generation who used a shampoo called Breck. What the heck.

  Any words with V or K sounds can jar the ears, as anybody knows when cranking the volume up on the Victrola. And why we call the undead vampires and not coffincrats.

  So the question is whether I should have my hair done before going out for seafood.

  Or whether our language effectively communicates what people need to know when a new business opens.

  I’ll try to find some answers, because I’m no hypocrite. Or is that hypocrat?

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• Eat Your Greens

  Posted at 4:31 pm by kayewer, on October 22, 2022

  

  I always liked my vegetables when I was a kid. That made me a bit of an oddball, because most kids balk at vegetables of any kind. Today I watch how I eat veggies. Because transporting and stocking them is a challenge, and we want to avoid preservatives, fresh is considered best, followed by frozen and then canned (because of sodium content). Any vegetarian will tell you it’s a great way to eat, but I still like my proteins to not come from a piece of tofu, so the veggies are simply a side dish must.

  In the past year I discovered avocados. A fellow at the farmer’s market showed me how to find ripe ones, though occasionally I still accidentally try to cut into a premature clunker hidden in a mesh bag among ones which are ready to become guacamole. The best way to deal with avocados is with a medium sized spoon and sharp knife; the latter to cut and remove the pit, and the former to scoop out the joys within.

  Instead of just a slice of avocado toast, I’ve found they make good sandwiches when placed between two well-toasted slices of whole grain wheat. They don’t need much doctoring, either. A sprinkle of onion powder and pepper, and maybe some lemon juice (which also slows down the browning process).

  Another newer veggie for me is roasted brussels sprouts. They seem to be in second place to green beans in prepared meals at the grocer, and seem to pick up some pleasant flavors roasted, without having to resort to butter sauce (which is how frozen versions of those round guys often come). I ate them back in the day, but not often, because they weren’t a favorite with any of us at the table. They have a distinct flavor, and are an acquired taste.

  Other acquired veggie choices include broccolini and greens. These are a more bitter choice, so they don’t get into prepared meals as much, but they certainly are healthy and welcome in any balanced dinner. The stems of broccolini are thinner, and the crowns look rather floppy compared to regular broccoli, but still they work well.

  Green beans have become more popular, especially if they’re breaded and cooked to eat like fries. They always seem too long when whole, and try to escape the plate when cut. That’s when French style comes into play. These darlings stay put on a plate, and with a little seasoning mix on them, they’re quite tasty.

  As for the champion of green veggies–peas–may go, I prefer mine with little pearl onions. It classes them up and gives them character. You can even throw in some little mushrooms. Just keep in mind that little ones will ultimately use them to shore up mashed potato castles on the plate. Which is fine, because they’re round anyway and tend to roll around if not contained by something.

  Like gravy.

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• Pessimystical

  Posted at 4:33 pm by kayewer, on October 15, 2022

  

  Some people just can’t stop being wet blankets. No matter what the topic is, they have to do something to lessen how nice it could be. All week I dealt with nothing but Grumpy Gusses and Gerties complaining about something or other, and none of it is important enough to matter that much. In fact, a week from now, their source of complaint won’t even be around anymore. What a waste of time, just to put a negative spin on stupid things.

  TV show? It sucks. Storm cleared? The next one will be worse. New movie coming out? What a joke. I accomplished something? Here, have some snarky political malarkey.

  Yes, that really happened. I posted that, after a couple years of effort, I ranked first in an online game, and somebody came back with words of sarcasm about our current leadership climate to put a damper on it.
  
  I didn’t take the bait. Nobody will take that accomplishment away: it’s in the books. So there.

  Science has shown that the healthiest people are positive thinkers, and health problems seem to plague pessimists more. That doesn’t stop some folks from being the rain on the parade at every opportunity. I wonder what it’s like to have heartburn all the time. Pessimists have shorter lifespans. Maybe a “thank goodness” is in order? No, it’s better to wish that they would lighten up and live longer.

  Sort of reminds me of Kreacher, the house elf serving Sirius Black in the Harry Potter series. It seemed he always complained and mumbled to himself about endless bits of negativity. Even Sirius admonished him to contain his “bile” at one point. Negativity on such a level is insufferable and accomplishes nothing.

  Life certainly isn’t a bed of roses all the time, but at some point finding the good in a situation is as necessary as breathing. In some cases it can restore balance when things seem to be going wrong.

  I wish some of the grumps I dealt with this week could have taken a step back for a moment. Sometimes it lets a little more light in.

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• Two Topics

  Posted at 5:55 pm by kayewer, on October 8, 2022

  

  In the movie My Fair Lady, the said lady (in training to speak properly) was restricted to only two subjects in casual conversation, to prevent her atrocious Cockney accent from appearing at an inappropriate moment. The topics were the weather and people’s health. She was to say such carefully memorized things as “the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.” As to the subject of health, she managed to cause a controversy anyway, bringing up an ailing aunt who, in a fit of sudden strength, bit through a spoonful of gin meant to help cure her sickness.

  I have been unfortunate enough to have caused a stir on my own this past week which may have cost me an old friend, though in my defense I merely dug deeper into a topic by posing a question, and it was to somebody else and not her. She then came back at me for no real reason that I can fathom, and said that I was being a bully. Folks who know me will dispute that, and normally that would include her, so the accusation was truly out of the blue. I regret that we may never get down to the true nature of her upset, but I have placed the return volley on her side of the net, and it may well succumb to the elements before it is ever dealt with. A sad turn of events. I feel sorry for the forgotten tennis ball.

  If we all stuck to small talk, we would never get to the bottom of anything. A well handled discussion of any topic can bring about resolution or, at least, compromise, if we agree to disagree. Being censored or accused without proper backing only causes more dischord.

  My blog is designed to provide some observations and ask questions, so if I must restrict myself to things which can be discovered by watching the newscast or asking how one is feeling today, I would have no purpose in posting at all.

  The toughest issues are ones we sometimes feel we can’t talk about. We still must discuss them. I will try in the future to be less subject to scrutiny while maintaining a standard of writing which may bring you to think and examine further into issues beyond the weather and health.

  Me? It’s sunny out, and I have sore feet.

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• Curtain Call

  Posted at 4:45 pm by kayewer, on October 1, 2022

  

  It’s a new season in theatre, but Broadway is having a hard time getting back on its feet. Performance venues there (and at the local level) are all struggling to find shows, restart their schedules and attract audiences. When a production such as Phantom of the Opera closes on Broadway, you know times are tough. The wondrous show has been at the Majestic Theatre since January 1988 and will close for good just after celebrating 35 years onstage.

  The big problem–as with everything while we’re finding our way back to a new normal–is whether rows of patrons packed together in an enclosed space is safe, and can audiences return to the idea of going out for enjoyment. In a century, nobody imagined we would have had the situation we did, and when Broadway went dark, an entire industry shut down. With it went the escape of entertainment we grew to depend upon. Now that we are also dealing with the stress of socializing again, we face a new threat, as evildoing individuals bring extreme weaponry to public places to send a message to total strangers.

  Perhaps it takes bravery to get back to normal.

  We need to step out into the changes we have yet to adapt to. We need to sit within a few inches of other human beings and look ahead to that stage or screen where we all intend to share a singular experience.

  The cast and crew of Phantom will move on to other things, and another production will find its way to its new home, where it may flourish for 35 years. Whatever happens, we will certainly find a way to restore something of what we had before. Part of that is going back to the theatre.

  A new season, and a new reason. Hope to see you sitting next to me.

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