The world has had enough to rant about these past few weeks, but I was fortunate enough to actually receive two compliments from customers this week. It’s never happened before! Really. When the “Contact Us” department is really the complaint department, it’s tough to plow through so much negativity for what seems like forever. Finally it paid off.
To celebrate, here are some amusing snippets, bits of advice and old favorite anecdotes:
- Back in the old days of photo developing, a brother and sister visited the local shop and presented the owner with a picture; in it was a cow, viewed from the left side, which was apparently being milked, for out of sight by her hidden right flank were the legs of a stool, a bucket underneath her udders, and two booted feet. “This is the only picture we have of our Uncle Carl,” the brother said. “Can you edit out the cow so we can see him?”
- A social media post commented on historical recordings: “Beethoven has been dead for centuries, but there are streaming recordings of his music. How did they do that?”
- A man went to his doctor and complained, “Every time I pass gas, I make a noise that sounds like ‘Honda.'” The doctor replied, “You need a dentist for that; it’s caused by an abscess in your tooth.” The man was astonished, “Gee doctor, how could you tell?” The reply: “Everybody knows that abscess makes the fart go Honda.”
- A man was at the side of the road after an automobile accident crying, “My Porsche, my lovely new Porsche!” The first officer on scene shook his head, “You’re so materialistic, haven’t you noticed that your whole left arm has been severed?” The man looked and screamed in horror, “My Rolex!”
- If you really want to spend some interesting time with the younger (under 20) folks in your life, gather them around a rotary phone and ask them to make a call.
- Don’t look like a tourist when you rent a vehicle on vacation; first thing, check the dash’s icons for the little gas pump and note the arrow next to it on one side or the other, as that will tell you what side you should pull up to at the gas station to fill up.
- If you get a pull in a sweater, the simplest way to pull the intrusive yarn to the inside is to ask the local kid with braces for a dental floss threader, preferably the loop type, which will easily help you slide the pull through without complicated maneuvers.
- I cut a paper cup to the dimensions of my morning measurement of steel-cut oats, and note the weight of my cereal bowl so I can measure to the gram my portion of boxed cereal (you add the weight of the cereal serving to the weight of the bowl).
- Want to cut more sugar out of your life? Substitute either a mandarin or clementine for orange juice, which is concentrated and packs a load of sweetness per glass. The fruit will add fiber to your diet, too. Another alternate may be vitamin water, which often has over a full day’s vitamin C.
- Last one: the principal interrupted the class Zoom meeting for attendance figures from the teacher, but she forgot to separate them by gender. “I have thirty in attendance and one scheduled absent,” she told him. “Ms. Delatroix, I need sex,” he replied.
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