Susan's Scribblings the Blog

A writer from the Philadelphia area shares the week online.
Susan's Scribblings the Blog
  • Who the Heck is Kayewer?
  • Monthly Archives: March 2019

    • Swinging Back-Hookers

      Posted at 2:01 am by kayewer, on March 31, 2019

      First was the toilet paper debate: now comes the bra debate. A person using Twitter handle @nakaimosu posted a query about how other women put on their bras; by hooking it in front and then shifting it to the back (whom I refer to as Swingers), or simply reaching around the back and hooking it (or Back-Hookers).

      I’m a Back-Hooker from day one. And excuse the TMI, but I was one of the first girls in those last months of elementary school who used a bra, so I’ve got a few months of extra experience. Never was a Swinger.

      I don’t think anybody puts on a skirt with a zipper in front and then moves it to the back, so why do that with a bra? You want it to be in the right position from the start, the “girls” well contained and supported, without the added exertion.

      Imagine exercising before you’ve got the exercise clothes on. Why bother? You’ve already worked up a sweat.

      Bras are designed with elastic support on the bottom band, so all that extra motion and tension moving it around your torso can’t be good for it. Nobody has to be a contortionist to hook a bra in back, either: if you feel it’s not worth trying, perhaps you should go for a front closure model; they are out there. You put it on like a vest.

      Hooking in back can be done from the bottom up or the top down and, depending on whether the bra has two, three or more hooks, takes seconds to accomplish. Of course it takes practice but, since even guys practice how to unhook them, let’s try getting them hooked one step sooner.

      If trying to hook something that fights back bugs you, see if you can get a slightly larger size to practice with, or simply practice with an extra bra and don’t try to put it on. Keep your arms down and bend at the elbows. Try holding the left and right tabs at their middles, and reach under and up behind you, then try to hook one set. Once you get the hang of hooking one, you can move to the others in turn. Know how many hooks you have before you start, and pick one set to hook first.

      There may be videos out there, too. I’m not going to try starring in one, though.

      In olden days, women had assistants to dress them. That meant the dressers probably hooked their own. Modern times have introduced Velcro®, but I have yet to see those on a bra. Why not, I don’t know, but hooks have nearly always been the go-to. We’ve dealt with the contraptions themselves since the first bras were introduced in the 19th century. It is said that an early bra was patented in 1863 by a fellow named Luman L. Chapman from–of all places–Camden, New Jersey. So Camden gave us drive-in movie theaters and bras. Of course, bras often were misplaced in cars at drive-ins, so it figures.

      It is also said that many women wear the wrong size bra. This often explains back problems and poor buoyancy under one’s clothing. Retailers still offer consultations with experts trained in how to fit one with the proper bra. It can be worth the time.

      If you can expend the effort to be a swinger, waste some more being a Back-Hooker with the right size bra.

      Girls, including your own, will notice.

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    • It’s a Bird-en

      Posted at 1:26 am by kayewer, on March 24, 2019

      Turkeys and geese know when spring is coming long before we humans receive any reminders from the media to pay attention to it. They start cavorting in our personal space, often at the inconvenience of life itself. But it is the approach of mating season, and birds will be birds.

      Earlier this week, somebody caught a video of a true gentleturkey helping his harem cross the road by raising his gorgeous tail like a crossing guard would a stop sign and blocking traffic until all the ladies ambled across, and here it is for you to watch: https://www.smalljoys.tv/turkey-helps-cross-road/.

      Another assembly of post-Thanksgiving survivors blocked a local road the other day while I was in traffic. One fellow got out of his car, hoping to herd the group along, and the male turkey went all Robert DeNiro Taxi Driver on him, hoisting his plumage and stepping up to face off with the dude, who got back in his vehicle and chose, wisely, to wait it out like the rest of us.

      I had no idea those pudgy winged creatures could travel so much and so far, but these birds clock some serious miles from their wooded homes to enter suburbia.

      Geese, of course, fly until they molt at right about the time of nesting season. While they’re grounded, they mate, have young, walk and poop all over the place. My workplace has a prime geese vacation spot between us and the highway, so every year we deal with little green logs of goose droppings for about five months. The payoff is seeing the parade of goslings each year, in groups of anywhere from three or four to eight or more, flanked by proud parents as they march in a slightly meandering row to the next eating, swimming or pooping location.

      Maybe love is, indeed, for the birds.

      I leave it to them. Meanwhile, I’m off to clean my shoes.

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    • Cheat Sheet

      Posted at 2:45 am by kayewer, on March 17, 2019

      Some of the wrong people appear to be going or not going to college. My mother should have gone, but her mother would not pay a penny of tuition, and student aid wasn’t what it is now.

      When I went to high school, my guidance counselor hinted that I wasn’t college material; I applied anyway and was accepted to Rutgers evening division. I went one course at a time and paid cash.

      I continued that way for a while, and got a two-year degree, then took a break because of life dynamics, applied to the University of Pennsylvania and got in, and finished my bachelor’s degree there. I paid cash and got tuition refunds at work, but I earned back each cent by doing the work.

      So when I heard that celebrity parents like Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin paid to have their children admitted to colleges the illegal way, I was just as shocked as everybody else. It is possible to get in the old-fashioned way, but life has taught us that it deals a bad hand to some folks as well. Some deserving applicants got turned away from good schools because students such as Lori Loughlin’s daughter by designer husband Mossimo, Olivia Jade Giannulli–who appeared on a YouTube video talking about her preference of social media status over classwork–took space they didn’t earn because mum and pop pulled a heist paying off some money grabbing jerks for favors.

      If justice were to be served, the convicted parents should have to shell out fines equivalent to the costs to reinstate admissions to some of those students turned away, so they can have the shot they deserve for free. As it stands now, Olivia has lost sponsors, as has her mother, but those future world changers have lost a lot more because they were stepped over by cheaters in a world where education has taken the wrong fork in the road into the town of Corruption City USA. Honesty still counts, and that’s where the law will focus in this instance.

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    • Roll Over

      Posted at 3:51 am by kayewer, on March 10, 2019

      One of life’s greatest debates is over. There have been a few over the years: chicken or egg first, why God invented the common fly, who invented the buffalo hot wing or key lime pie (meaning who made it first), and who put the bop in the bop do wop. But the argument over toilet paper went on for nearly 128 years, and it’s over now.

      According to an Australian consumer publication called Choice, a man named Seth Wheeler received a patent on September 15, 1891 for his invention, and the illustration clearly shows the paper going over the roll facing outward.

      A bunch of you are now, excuse the phrase, poo-pooing this revelation, because you believe that toilet paper should roll under, or against the wall.

      The real issues come down to whether you prefer your paper to touch the wall behind it or flag about freely into the open space of your bathroom, or whether or not you have a cat who may spend several minutes unraveling it and then leave bored with you coming into a paperless bathroom situation. In desperate times, admittedly, a few wads of slightly shredded TP will do.

      Like the Great Pizza Question I originally mentioned (and which came from an episode of “Garfield and Friends”), there really is no true right or wrong answer. Some situations call for toilet paper to roll one way or another, just as smart people who order pizza for a bunch of consumers vary the toppings as much as possible (except I have never had to order anchovies, for anybody, ever).

      Basically, the true answer is what you were raised to do: a household with the roll over will likely have its grown children abandon the nest to make the same move in their own places, as will those who are under fans.

      Our main problem is our defensiveness when somebody does something different; it doesn’t matter when the end result is the same. Two roads leading to the same destination are not a cause for battle, but we are born debaters.

      Now I’d like to know why one gets on a plane instead of in a plane.

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      Posted in Commentary | 0 Comments | Tagged toilet paper debate, toilet paper over or under, toilet paper roll
    • Off My Chest

      Posted at 10:14 pm by kayewer, on March 6, 2019

      The difference between customer service and customer servitude is how the customer treats us. I recently had an email exchange with somebody who could have benefitted from taking a step back before venting, or at least might have benefitted either from a better education or  some more intense parental guidance in childhood.

      There is nothing more annoying than to have somebody stand on a soapbox and talk about something they obviously know nothing about. First, some folks who might not know that they don’t know, will learn something wrong; second, the speaker often winds up spiraling down a hole of ignorance from which they rarely return without a long ladder with rungs of restitution to climb to get back some self worth.

      Of course, a customer service person often suffers stoically through such experiences, and we do not reply in kind, but if I could write back to this particular person, here is part of what I would say:

      Dear Customer:

      With regret and a few grumbles under my breath, I fulfilled your request today, but I really feel sorry for you. That may come as a surprise to you, since you were so adamantly stalwart in your convictions and made such an effort to be the type of customer that employees like me begrudgingly must regularly handle. It was your objective to make us feel bad, but I feel the wrong kind of bad when it comes to you and your future as a customer.

      You accused us of a “bait and switch,” and it’s obvious that you are unfamiliar with what that term means. The scam involves a promise of something which the person with the offer then says is not available or has been replaced by another less desirable thing. The truth is, we helped you so much that, had you taken your blinders off and spent a moment looking at what we did for you, you would have found that, rather than baiting you, we actually set a whole smorgasbord under your nose and asked for nothing in return but your continued business.

      So after a year of a passive business relationship in which you didn’t lift a finger to enjoy what we offered, you have decided to grouse by email and smugly say goodbye. I hope that someday you realize how many bridges you are burning before you find yourself with few options and fewer people who are happy to recognize you when you want something. When you think you’re right all by yourself, it is a hollow victory.

      Funny thing is, no matter what, the customer never seems to feel better, and neither do we. However, the emptiness is usually replaced by a lot of thanks from happy customers who use their time judiciously to counteract the doofusses who come by every so often. I am grateful for them all, and I always hope they get more than what they want; what they truly deserve.

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    • Paper Fling Thing

      Posted at 3:03 am by kayewer, on March 3, 2019

      I have a newspaper carrier who probably will never make the major leagues. Since I read two papers and have two different carriers, my delivery rate is about fifty percent right now. It’s not that I don’t get the paper; it just isn’t anyplace accessible.

      The regional paper is right in front of me on either the walk or the lawn, thanks in no small part to Jeep Man, my loyal delivery person who has one heck of a flinging arm and shoots that paper straight out the window of his trusty vehicle every morning.

      The local paper, on the other hand, is a different story.

      Whoever the carrier is, they apparently pull up to the apron of my driveway, take a few steps from their vehicle to the sidewalk and let sail, so the paper may wind up on my top step or, most often, on either side of it, down in the greenery. Sometimes I guess it slides off the steps and plummets earthward, but often it just lands there with one shot. Some days it’s so lightweight it might blow off on its own. On one famous morning, I looked in vain for the paper, only to look up casually and discover it nestled in the tree branches above the walk, where its green bag camouflaged it perfectly.

      How do I know all this detail, when the paper comes at around 3:00 AM while the world is sleeping, including me? Applying my Holmes-like power of deduction, I have seen the footprints in the snow on white mornings when the paper comes, so I can clearly see what they have done. My best guess is the delivery person has one heck of a hook on their pitching arm.

      Yesterday we had some snow I didn’t see coming, probably because I was so busy I missed the weather forecast again. As I went out the door to sweep and retrieve the regional paper, I saw the telltale footprints from the driveway to the pavement, but I saw no trace of the paper. It wasn’t on the steps, so I figured it had to be in the greenery, so I went into what winter has done to my home-front gardening efforts and poked around with my broom hoping to unearth the paper. No success.

      When all efforts fail, one does what one must to get the news; I bought a paper at Wawa and called the paper’s offices to discuss my issue. My operator had a pleasant voice and the patience of a saint, but after two or three attempts to find my account (which panicked me, since we’ve read the paper since before I could read), she finally found us in the system and informed me that I had never provided a delivery location preference.

      That’s a thing now?

      I said my understanding was that the paper would be on the doorstep by 7:00 every morning, so I expected it to be there, to which she replied that she had updated my account to specify that. This morning the paper was on the step, and I found the missing paper, now that the snow had been rained upon and melted, several feet from its usual location near some garden debris.

      We’ll see how the delivery goes for a few days more. Maybe the pitching averages will go up. One thing is sure: I doubt I will stop reading the papers and rely on other sources, especially because I like the puzzles, the comics and Dear Abby.

      Newspapers still matter, even if they’re hard to throw.

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