Simply put, office food is a curse. Ask any person who has been placed in charge of food for a workplace, and you will get that answer. It doesn’t matter the circumstances; when you buy food for an office, you are guaranteed to make at least one person unhappy.
I have worked a few jobs involving 24-hour operations, and they all revolve around what there is to eat. The pantries on every floor are crammed with machines holding snacks and soda, and our cafeteria wisely switched to an all-night convenience mart-style DIY model which should have food on demand anytime. There are times, however, when food has to be ordered from elsewhere for a big function, and that is where the Pizza Problem comes into play. I call it that after an old cartoon episode of Garfield and Friends in which the fat cat distracts a crowd by posing the question of what to have on a pizza. Nobody agreed on the toppings. In fact, it became quite a polarizing argument. People like free food, as long as nobody is averse to what is being offered. Recently I solved the problem of multi-serve coffee boxes getting cold or unused by offering up K-cups; somebody complained we had no decaf.
Food preference wars are just part of the issue. When it comes to ordering a large catering event, the first real obstacle to overcome is an accurate head count. We need to know how many people will actually show up in the building at a particular time, minus who may work from home or call out sick. This can vary by six to twenty people at any one time. Then the order must be fresh and hot, so we divide it by shifts, making two head counts and deliveries. We also have to consider serving two or more departments. You see where this is going, and math was never my strong suit.
No matter how many times we order from the local pizza place/caterer, there is always a glitch, usually involving how one is supposed to eat the food without sufficient forks, or they may supply twenty plates for sixty people. Counting is nobody’s strong suit.
Being one who likes to solve problems in advance, I bought a package of 300 plates, anticipating about 160 or so people. It was voted insufficient because, as the second shift staff pointed out, folks would use two plates; one to hold and one to cover. Should I bring plastic wrap? No, then they would stock up plates full of food to take home.
That’s another thing about office food: people launch themselves on free food like flies on poo. I don’t need to wait for a Black Friday store opening to see chaos: I can just unwrap a table filled with catered food and stand back for the horde to descend. Fortunately I have not seen anybody stuff ziti in their undies yet, but within minutes, a smorgasbord can be reduced to a toothpick and a twist tie, unless you want to lick spilled sauce from the counter.
So with a storm brewing, we mobilized for the weekend, and I ordered food and prayed that the last to arrive wouldn’t have to fight over the last bread stick. By Monday we will know how it went, but I’m sure there won’t be a single paper plate to be found.
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