The biggest plague of humanity isn’t a virus or contagion, nor is it a natural event like global warming or drought; it’s ourselves. We are wayward monsters on a self-destruction binge which may obliterate the other guys first but ultimately will kill us all. It starts with the destruction of the human spirit.
So how do you start destroying a human being? Let’s start from scratch.
Step One: whether you have planned on giving birth to a human being or not, make sure you have messed yourself up prior to pregnancy so that your unborn child will have roadblocks before construction even gets under way. Smoke like a chimney, drink like you could down enough of the stuff to fill a community water tank, avoid anything that seems healthy and don’t go to the doctor until you’ve paid off last year’s bills.
Step Two: immediately assume that your child will be just like you. Get the word on the gender right away and either buy pink for a girl or blue for a boy, or fit in your lifestyle with some goth or sports team onesies or a babies’ room themed like your favorite television show. Come up with a name you think is unique but others won’t be able to pronounce or spell properly, or name them after some obscure historic figure.
Step Three: Make sure that when you are comparing pregnancy notes with other parents that your ideas are the ones which inspire the most awe and respect. Make sure there is no deviation from the established norm for your core group.
Now of course there are a bunch of folks out there who are not starting families, so there are some different steps for you:
Step One: Be sure to make snide and cruel comments to pregnant women. You can either choose to try to get them to drink or smoke, or remind them that they’re not part of the core group anymore because they went and got themselves pregnant. Remind them of how less prominent or overly prominent their bellies are compared to you or those you’ve known who are or were pregnant. Scare them with horror stories about pregnancies gone wrong.
Step Two: Pick apart all the choices the expectant family makes regarding baby names, clothes and room decor. Be sure to make snide remarks about prices and quality and how much better people you know did when they did their baby shopping.
Step Three: Get out of town or do everything you can to make yourself unavailable when the due date is imminent. Turn your back on low income families and turn up your nose at those richer than you. Only the way you got through your growing family matters, and nobody else is worthy of your invaluable help.
Susan's Scribblings the Blog 