Susan's Scribblings the Blog

A writer from the Philadelphia area shares the week online.
Susan's Scribblings the Blog
  • Who the Heck is Kayewer?
  • Monthly Archives: April 2011

    • What Be I Talkin’ ‘Bout?

      Posted at 2:22 am by kayewer, on April 24, 2011

      Does anybody use English anymore?  I spent long hours, days and years studying for an English degree, but nobody speaks it anymore.  The grammarian in me sometimes gets annoyed by little slips overheard in conversation.  As a writer, I always listen for inspiration.  Sometimes what I hear makes me cringe.

      The other day I heard three words–“Whey dey at?”–and my head rang with the grammar alarm.  A group of women posed the question in what can best be described as urban patois.  The difference between the correct usage (“Where are they?”) and what was said is not so much how three words are strung together, but in why the construction was so lazily loosed upon the world.

      Of course it takes a second more to pronounce the word “where.”  One can use the pronunciation “way” and drop the “r” or be thorough about it and say “wayer” and mean what they want to say.  A dropped “th” dipthong and an unnecessary tag (at) later, and we see a question of three words turned into an oral disaster.

      What would happen if the persons about whom they were inquiring were not “at” anyplace (not at the movies, at the store, at work)?  Maybe the poor comrades were outside in the rain waiting in line for concert tickets. Maybe they were in a taxi, on vacation, or something else not involving being at anyplace (except, perhaps, at large and not where expected).

      The difference between a “th” as in “they” and a “d” as in “dey” can place a person’s social status as surely as Eliza Doolittle’s colorful London slang did in My Fair Lady.  Drawling, twanging and other unique language constructions (we “New Juh-seyans” know about the Jersey twang all too well) don’t matter as much when the sentences spoken with them are correct.  Accents are easily forgiven, but mangled grammar will curl the edges of a Master’s degree every time.

      I do hope those ladies found out whey dey partners had been.  Just thinking about it makes my head spin.

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    • The Signing Table

      Posted at 2:27 am by kayewer, on April 17, 2011

      As a writer, I look forward to someday being seated at a book signing.  It’s part of the publicity campaign for a book to have its author appear at public events and sign copies for interested fans and patrons, and naturally it can be an experience that overjoys, overwrings or grounds the writer in reality, depending on the size of the crowd that comes to your event.  Some folks get 5,000.  Others get the book store owner and the maintenance man.  I think that will, eventually, be me.

      Today a local columnist and author, Lisa Scottoline, is appearing at the local Barnes & Noble to sign copies of her newest fiction work.  It’s raining a gale outside, but I’m sure a line will be out the door to see her.  She has thousands of readers in the paper and untold numbers of book readers:  place them inside a bookstore and you’re likely to have a blast.

      I’m not there, of course:  I’m here, sitting at the cyber cafe writing about it.  Sure I’d like to go, but I know that standing in the rain, with my car parked in the only space available–out in the corner lot in no man’s land where I might return to find it set on cinder blocks–would not be conducive to a good meet and greet with an author.  Even though I know that she will be appearing at the second of her day’s stops after about 90 minutes of driving from the last event, and will probably be having the same type of bad hair day from the rain as I, why turn a book signing into a commiseration party in which we would all stand around and complain about the water damage to our shoes?

      I do plan to buy her book, though.

      And, if I ever get to that point in my writing career when I can drive 90 minutes to sit at a table and sign books, I’ll bring my umbrella, blow dryer and a roll of paper towels, because it does seem that every time a big event comes in my life, it rains.

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    • Don’t Dis the Dunny

      Posted at 2:25 am by kayewer, on April 10, 2011

      Excuse me for using the Australian term for the bathroom.  The way people misuse restroom facilities irks me.  It’s on my top ten pet peeve list.

      I ended my work week with a flood coming from a locked maintenance closet in a men’s restroom.  The brackish water emanating from under that door ruined new carpeting on the lobby and leaked down a stairwell into the floor below, not to mention seeping under office doorways.  We were forced to evacuate the building in the rain and disable the elevators to avoid an electrical hazard.  Places that harbor water or waste should be respected and handled with more care.

      Not all people take that idea to heart, unfortunately.  Of all places to desecrate, religious buildings and bathrooms tend to get an unfair share.  There is nothing more disheartening than entering a bathroom and having to peer into two or more stalls before finding one good enough to use.  This is the most evident after a weekend, when maintenance crews may not clean as often.  I have seen seats left uninhabitable, and I pity the cleaning crew who has to deal with it.

      Maybe certain people are annoyed by the fact that they have to set their genitals over a hole in a seat and evacuate waste.  Sure, we’d all rather be elsewhere, but the few minutes it takes to “go” are not so bad in retrospect.  In fact, I can come up with some positive things to say about going to the bathroom:

      1)  Be glad you can go.  I know people with problems like diarrhea and constipation or bladder infections who wish they could just go normally.

      2) If you’re home, you can take a moment to read.  Come on, you all know you keep some reading somewhere near the toilet.

      3) If you’re at work, it’s a break you’re entitled to.  Of course, smoking or cell phone use is no longer allowed in most restrooms, but do you really want to multitask on the toilet?  Like the late George Carlin said, bathrooms are like elevators, in that there’s really nothing for you to do while you’re there.  It’s a mindless activity that at least gets you away from the cubicle.

      4) American bathrooms, for all the misuse, are among the best in the world.  Some countries still use squatting holes over trenches (I’ll never get the image of the toilets in  Slumdog Millionaire out of my mind).

      I don’t know what I would do if I caught somebody leaving a bathroom stall without policing their activities.  I’m afraid I would be likely to speak up and kindly remind them that they should straighten up the stall before they go.  I’d also probably get a response that Ce Lo Green would be proud of, but I feel we all have a right to a positive bathroom experience when not at home.

      So how did you leave a public restroom stall last time you had to go?

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    • Charities: Mail I’d Like to Get

      Posted at 2:39 am by kayewer, on April 3, 2011

      It feels good to give to charities, especially ones that you know are legitimate and do things in keeping with your philosophies on how to make positive change in the world.

      The problem is, charities don’t know when to stop asking you for money.

      Once you contribute anything to a charity, they automatically send you an acknowledgment and enclose another form to send more money.  Sometimes mailings come 2-3 a week.  People don’t even get salaries weekly anymore (folks I know get bi-weekly pay, and then it’s direct deposit).

      Just once I’d like to receive a mailing like this:

      “Thank you for sending your $– check for our cause.  We used your donation to help ——- with their ——-.  They would not have gotten —— without your generosity.  Next month ——  will need our help with ——.  We look forward to contacting you then, and hope you can provide another donation to help them.  Meanwhile, enjoy the rest of your month, knowing you have helped somebody.”

      And what about the infamous anonymous person who will match every dollar contributed with two of their own?  Just give the charity the darn money:  you don’t have to tell us about it, even if it was given by the greatest humanitarian on the planet.  Just use what you’re given.

      The other thing that bugs me about begging mail is the guilt trip brought on by the gift items they enclose hoping you will feel obligated to “pay” for them.  I have enough pseudo-metal key chains to outfit a locksmith shop, more address labels than the most prolific letter writer could use in a lifetime, and enough scratch pads and greeting cards that I feel the senders must be solely responsible for deforestation.

      If everybody gave a penny to 100 charitable causes, those causes would have all the money they would need for a lot of good deeds.  Think about one penny, given by millions of  people,a nd what good it could do.  It’s just like my philosophy that the lottery would do better to give 350 people one million dollars than give one person 350 million dollars, but that’s for another topic.

      Anyway, I recycle all the junk mail from over-eager charities, and I give when I can.  That’s the idea:  if you have it to spare, give it.  Just don’t push the issue.

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